Notes To Catherine

Hi wonderful, Whenever I've thought about this question of staying together or not this past week, I've gotten sad and confused. I don't like what I think or enjoy how I feel and I just want to run away from my sadness.  And more importantly and confusing is that I don't trust ​my reflections because my thoughts vary greatly when I'm with you verses when I am not.  And so I don't know what feels more true, and more importantly what feels actionable.  Sometimes I experience you as pushing me and not respecting my needs/boundaries/plees, and I feel relief in moving apart from you and a desire for greater space, but then the next interaction with you will be very understanding and even apologetic and seek to create the space for me that I'm asking for or express support for me right where I'm needing it.  And  when I'm with you, when I'm not agitated or struggling to express myself or hold a line in order to honor my own energetic needs, I'...

Not not moving on, not hanging on ​ Dearest Catherine, I've been giving your question some consideration, and have refined my answer from " I don't know" to "I'm not NOT moving on". Where before I was making an effort to just stay available (which kept me emotionally plugged in and and wasn't good for either of us), I'm determined now to be open to how life unfolds and where that takes me. And I'll just have to trust that the right thing will unfold or both of us. I've been dealing with a complex of complicated interrelated emotions around all of this: sad and confused and frustrated and resentful and hurting and despairing and hopeful and sometimes even a little excited to potentially move on to some better state. Our relationship has been intolerable in some ways for quite awhile now and I've just been holding on for awhile for the sake of working together to get you into a stable housing ownership situation. ​​ I...