Break in case of emergency - May 10, 2018

Subject: Break in case of emergency (You don't have to go down roads that don’t go where you want to go.)

If you were trying to communicate something to me that I wasn’t getting, I wouldn’t want you to give up on me.  I’d want you to keep at it until I got it.  I’d expect that from somebody who loves me deeply. And of course I love you deeply.  I don’t know how to convey that there is an inflatable raft available in case the ship goes down… without just saying there’s an inflatable raft available.  And if what you are hearing is that there is a life vest available, I’ll keep stressing that it’s actually a raft.  I really need you to hear what I’m saying so I can let it go.  I can appreciate why you aren’t hearing me fully, so I feel compelled to keep conveying what’s true until you can really hear it all.  But to fully hear me, you need to stop telling me what I really do and don't want.  Because I know what I really want, and that is to experience a lifetime of being family with you. I know we can have that either way, but I want it in a fully expressed way.   

I want to be clear I am not trying to interfere with anything you have going on with anyone else.  You’ve expressed doubts, but only because that relationship is so new and there is no knowing how it will unfold or if you’ll stay together. And I know you have interest in other men as potential partners if this relationship doesn’t last. I am only wanting to be seen clearly here (and you know being seen is really important to me) so that I can relax and know I have been effective in communicating a crucial truth that must be shared if I love you as much as I do… which I do.  

When Tim shared he’s having another child because he loves his partner so much he would lay down his life for her, I reflected how I love you in that way too - letting go of things I thought I wanted and taking up things I thought I didn't (like our house), and how happy I’ve been loving you. Several times over the past year as we worked on our house together, I mentioned how I had been thinking about having a baby with you. Things were shifting for me that made that consideration possible. Indeed, I have even felt how I would welcome another child in my life after so missing the experience of raising my children how I wanted these past 6 years. And I've longed for the experience of raising kids with a woman that I love and feel met by as deeply as I love and feel met by you.  When I saw the kid running on the side of the road with his dad recently on the way to Breitenbush, you called the sensation I had "nostalgia" but I also see how it was longing.  

I was surprised to hear Tim was in a similar process of opening, though perhaps more quickly since his kids are already out of the house.  You know I love you and I want you to be happy. And I’ve assumed that you being happy meant not being with me - but that was because I wasn’t noticing how my life was changing.  Things that were true for me years ago aren’t true for me anymore. The biggest concerns that kept we from saying yes to having another child have been melting away this past year.  

• My kids are growing up and don’t need the kind of sustained attention they once did; so I'm less concerned now about taking energy away from them.  And I see how creating family with you can also create family with them.  
• My concern about not having other life experiences has also dissappated as I've found my life experiences with you to be so rewarding.  And while the idea of traveling the world without you feels empty, I’ve begun to believe we can have a child and all of us travel the world together. 
• I keep insisting on being there for you if you end up alone with a kid.  If I am so willing to share that load, and can so easily imagine enjoying your child, then why not my own, especially as I touch in with that part of me that wants to experience a different way of raising kids. Yes, it's a lot of work, but life is work, and we have set ourselves up with a home that we own together, and this is a great comfort to me because it is the kind of nest I need in order to feel confident financially. I also see how hard you work, and I trust you as a solid partner. 
• Speaking of our home, owning a home together (a physical nest) was more essential for me than I knew…  and now I find I am in a place where I feel the space and resources I needed in order to feel more comfortable having a child. And being in that place has made it possible to feel into how much I would enjoy having a child with you.
• My other big concern -- that you would be less committed than I to resolving anything that might come up in our relationship, and that I might end being a single dad again if you left me (I don’t want to be the auparent!) -- is lessened by our vision of community living. If someday we grow apart (which I can hardly fathom), I trust we can live in close proximity in a larger two-household Going Home Community, one of us in the house and the other in the ADU taking care of our child and also spending time together as family and community for her... much as I would have liked to live with my kids post divorce.  

All the things that scared me before don’t scare me anymore, but it took time for that to change, and those changes happened so gradually I hardly noticed. Now that all those other external pressures have shifted, I am amazed at how strongly I can feel my own desire to create family with you. Clearly, I was noticing the shifting situation enough to think about it throughout this past year… but I was determined not to say anything until I was certain, to not make the mistakes of the past. Now I am certain, having finally been able to fully process through all those changes this past month. 

This is the first time I've said I want to have a child with you, that I want to create family with you and not just be family with you. The first time I said “okay” to a child, it was for you and not for me. It was not something I wanted. And I freaked out. All the conditions we're wrong for me back then. The second time, conditions were better but you told me it wasn't right for me - that I didn’t really want it (much like you are saying now), and I backed off because it was still mostly for you and not so much for me. Now the conditions are ideal for me and there’s nothing you could say that would make me change my mind because having a child with you is something I am wanting for myself as well. What I don’t want is for you to have a child with someone else out of desperation or doubt, when I have no doubt about creating family with you. I want to have confidence that whoever you are with will love you as much as I will love you for the rest of your life. I know the door is practically closed now. I've stepped off the threshold half a second after you and am half a step behind, but I’m still here and still wanting to be family with you and now also wanting to create family with you. You gave me enough time; I just took a little longer to figure it out because our situation has changed so slowly.  

If by some miracle we come back together, I am in a good position to be there for you, both in terms of time availability and being resourced.  I have a lot of time available to spend together, to make evening meals for us, etc, and I'm ready to have my kids live with us in the house that we own together. On top of that, my income is going up next year, and with the sale of the Alberta 9 building, we’ll have the funds for the studio and ADU. There's never been a better time for me to be in a full-on relationship with you. And I of all people know what that means. I know your needs so well and your quirks, from eating together in the evening to getting to bed by 10pm.  I know you as well or better than anyone else, and I love you wholeheartedly and unreservedly. I cannot imagine a person who is better prepared to be your life partner.

You say it’s comforting to know I’m here to help you if another partnership falls apart and you become a single parent.  And you’ve said that comfort helps you move forward with someone else even though you might have doubts. I’m glad my love and devotion can support you in this way.  But I also want you to really know that I would love to have a child with you if you realize another relationship is not right for you.  You are just in the beginning stages with your current partner, and we don’t really know how that will unfold.  Even as we hope for the best, I’m also still looking into articles on fertility and medical options if needed.  If it doesn’t work out with someone else, I know it’s not too late for us because I feel our love whenever we are around each other.  So if someone else isn’t right for you, you don't have to go down that road.  Because I am still your person and a good man to create family with.

Just to make sure I’m clear, while I’ll be your backup (for child rearing or child bearing), I have no desire to get in the way of what you are exploring now or of anything you are wanting for yourself. I do feel a little sad that you might be heading into another part-time relationship, especially now that we have the capacity to be together full-time, but hopefully you will stay true to your vision for yourself.  Certainly, if I could waive a magic wand, we'd go back in time a month or so to the last time you said all I need to do is be open to having a child with you, and I would say YES.  Even better, we'd go back to when the house was first done (either September or January) and we’d move the kids in, and I’d propose to you and tell you I want to have a child with you. But I am a slower processor than you, and you have stepped off the threshold before I’ve fully felt into the significance of how our lives have shifted, of how your happiness can be found in the life we have been creating together - if you want that.  

Are you seeing me clearly now?  I am not wanting to disrupt what you have going on with anyone else.  I am writing this letter a week before you go to Toas, and only after a year of contemplating our evolving situation and where I am at now, but I’m not giving this letter to you before this trip where you are focusing on another connection that could help bring your dreams to life.  I'll hold onto it until it seems a right time to share, but I may need to share it soon so I can also let go of it, because I have heard you say that that is what you want. I had originally thought to only share this letter with you down the road (possibly many months from now) if things didn't work out with someone else, but I hear you (and I know how important it is for you to be heard) and so I will not sit around waiting in the wings hoping you come back to me. I know you don’t want me to do that. I will start dating seriously again as that feels appropriate, and I will open my heart to falling in love with someone else, and I’m not going to focus on dating only poly people in order to stay available to you.  

It takes a lot for either of us to find an ideal match (we’re both picky that way!) so it will likely take time for me to fall in love with someone else. I want to trust that we will both find our perfect matches and be happy.  And if that doesn’t happen for either of us in the coming year, then next year if we both want we can come back together and be pregnant within 6 months, because we really are a great match for each other and we really do love each other.  Since there is a lot that goes into finding an ideal match, I don’t want you to pursue something if you have serious doubts about it because there is pressure to get pregnant… because I love being your partner and my heart is open to having a child with you.  

Now that I've expressed what is true for me, I can let it go and leave  it to the fates to decide.  I can imagine how upset both of us might be if I never acknowledged where I've come to in relation to you in this wonderful dance we call life.  I get that I am too late, but I was determined never to say anything around the matter of creating family with you that was not absolutely true, and I have been so incredibly careful about that committment. So I really couldn't say it before this past month or so even though I'd been feeling into it for many months now. I just really wanted you to know so that if you find you have doubts about your current path, or some sweet connection has doubts about it, then keep in mind that I don’t have any doubts, not about you and not about being family with you - with all that entails.