May 27th. 1111

Dearest Catherine,

I just started this email to you, and noticed it is 11:11.  I've missed you dearly these past couple months. When I left your house this evening I felt like weeping for joy.  I know you are only thinking about my proposal. I know I should not be hopeful. But I cannot help but be hopeful. I have prayed so often to meet the woman that you are, and last night for the first time I prayed to be spared from my foolishness and granted another chance to fully accept unreservedly into my life the whole woman that you are with all your needs and desires and to help make those happen WITH you.  

Until recently, I assumed that you being happy meant not being with me. And that has been so sad and hard for me, as I have tried to step back for you to find your happiness with someone else. Yet I have been thinking about the idea of having a child with you for many months now since we substantially finished the house, and even though I never wanted to hold out that possibility until I was certain, I think I was realizing on some level that things were changing for me.

Things that were true for me years ago aren’t true anymore:

• My kids are practically grown and don’t need the sustained focus they once did; now I see how creating family with you can also create family with them.
• My concern about wanting other life experiences has dissipated as I've found my life experiences with you to be so rewarding, and as I've relaxed into the idea of traveling the world and living in other countries with our child. 
• I'm willing to help you raise your child, so how much better for that child to be mine too -- especially as I touch in with that part of me that wants a different experience of raising kids. It makes me realize that I'm glad we don't have an ‘auparent!”  I want our child to be with us all the time, not every other week! 
• Yes, it's hard work, but life involves work, and I’m at a stage of life where my resources are increasing and I have a lot more time to focus on enjoying being a dad. 
• We now own a home together (a physical nest), and that was more essential for me than I knew! I finally have the space and resources I needed to feel comfortable having a child. And being in that place has made it possible to feel into how much I would enjoy having a child with you.  
• I've always sensed that I would have loved to have a child with you if I didn't already have kids.  Now I can drop the qualifier... I really would love having a child with you.  

All the things that scared me before are gone or don’t scare me anymore, but those changes happened so gradually I hardly noticed. Now that those have shifted, I am amazed at how strongly I can feel my own desire to create home and hearth and family with you over a lifetime of being together.

I am also in a better position to be with you now, in terms of time and resources. I have a lot of time available to spend together every​ day! -- to make and enjoy dinner together, etc, and I'm ready to have my kids live with us in a house that we own together! I'm excited about that! On top of that, my income is going up next year, and can go up even more with the studio work or CIC job.  With a sale of Alberta 9, we will have around $200,000 ​to build the studio and ADU. There's never been a better time for me to be in a full-on relationship with you. And I of all people know what that means. I know you as well or better than anyone, and I love you wholeheartedly and unreservedly.

So for the first time ever I can truly say I want to have a child with you, to create hearth and home and children with you. I’ve been cleared for the surgery and could have semen available as early as two to three months afterward.  Dr. Hedges has even said that thanks to microsurgery, the average effectiveness of the procedure has gone from 91% to over 98%!

I feel our love when we are together; I am still your person, and I want to create family with you.  I know you have to think about it. I will be patient. I'm not going anywhere. I know you have not wanted me to wait around for you, so I have tried to date, but my heart still belongs to you. Much of this letter I actually wrote over a week before your trip to Taos, but I did not share it because I want to honor what you are trying to create in your life.  But the simple truth is I want to be a part of co-creating that life with you.

I love you so incredibly much, babe, and I want to come home to you every day for the rest of my life.  

jas