Sharing an insight - May 4, 2018
Good morning sunshine!
I was sorting pictures last night, and sorted a bunch into a folder of pics you might want... quite a few of Scar, some from our trips, and some good ones of you (including really good potential profile pics if you ever want them), etc. It's funny all the things we DIDN'T take pictures of. I think I've already shared other photo folders of different events and activities (like our hiking pics, christmas, parents visit, house building, etc.) I managed to get up to 2017 when I finally went to bed, so I'll likely add a few more when I finish going through the rest.
I've realized why it's so hard to let go. Many, many times over the years, we've discussed scenarious where we stay together and you still have a child -- such as with an "auparent". We imagined it with a biodad (such as Talitha's gay friend) or with someone you hit it off with but the relationship doesn't last. We discussed taking a year to meet people, and coming back together if it didn't work out. Being so in love and also wanting to support you in finding your happiness, I took it all to heart and determined to stay available while you dated... just in case -- dating only poly people who might be more open to me still being devoted to you. It was important to you too. You always wanted me to tell you when I was interested in someone or if I had sex. You didn't like me dating others, often joking that you didn't like them! We both love being together, and I knew it was hard for you, and since being with you was what I really wanted, I often cut short any dating I started.
So it's understandable why I've been holding on so strongly. Because that is what we've been "planning" for so long, the notion we could be partners again if it didn't work out, either with or without a child. The idea is so ingrained that we even reaffirmed it as recently as last week when both of us again acknowledged we could imagine growing old together (if neither of us had another partner, of course) -- coming back together in years or decades from now. This has been our "back-up" plan, our Plan B, to the point that we now even own of a home that we can live in together, and are dreaming of ways to continue being together in community by adding an ADU to our property.
Two people rise in a hot air balloon, one of them watching the earth as it moves away and the other watching the stars as they get closer. For a long time both of us watched each other as we moved away, and now you're watching the stars while I'm still watching you. In your excitement for this new person, it's easy to forget that we have spent a lot of time and energy and love weaving a vision of us still potentially being together with or without a child. Now that you are disengaging energetically, I wonder if this idea of coming back together was realistic. This must be what it felt like for you when I imagined aloud one day what it would be like for us to have a child -- but this is so much stronger since we have been speeking this vision hundreds of times over the years, and so I am still caught in that beautiful spell we wove of being together, and now I fear it is annoying to you because you are discarding it and it is hard for me to adjust.
I still think it's a good plan. I support you in your happiness and am available if things don't work out or to help raise a child. I'm sorry I hurt you recently when I didn't just keep my mouth shut when you asked what I was thinking....I really was planning to not say anything unless it didn't work out with Sebastian. And I know I sounded tentative about a reversal, but offering you the money if I wavered was actually the best expression of my certainty, since you know how much I'd hate to lose thousands of dollars. What's the difference, considering I'd be delighted to live with you and help raise your child. Still, I haven't wanted to interfere with what you are developing with Sebastian, and I'm sorry I said anything. Please forgive me. Regardless of what happens, I too still love the idea of living together in community.
I love you always, wonderful woman,
jas
I was sorting pictures last night, and sorted a bunch into a folder of pics you might want... quite a few of Scar, some from our trips, and some good ones of you (including really good potential profile pics if you ever want them), etc. It's funny all the things we DIDN'T take pictures of. I think I've already shared other photo folders of different events and activities (like our hiking pics, christmas, parents visit, house building, etc.) I managed to get up to 2017 when I finally went to bed, so I'll likely add a few more when I finish going through the rest.
I've realized why it's so hard to let go. Many, many times over the years, we've discussed scenarious where we stay together and you still have a child -- such as with an "auparent". We imagined it with a biodad (such as Talitha's gay friend) or with someone you hit it off with but the relationship doesn't last. We discussed taking a year to meet people, and coming back together if it didn't work out. Being so in love and also wanting to support you in finding your happiness, I took it all to heart and determined to stay available while you dated... just in case -- dating only poly people who might be more open to me still being devoted to you. It was important to you too. You always wanted me to tell you when I was interested in someone or if I had sex. You didn't like me dating others, often joking that you didn't like them! We both love being together, and I knew it was hard for you, and since being with you was what I really wanted, I often cut short any dating I started.
So it's understandable why I've been holding on so strongly. Because that is what we've been "planning" for so long, the notion we could be partners again if it didn't work out, either with or without a child. The idea is so ingrained that we even reaffirmed it as recently as last week when both of us again acknowledged we could imagine growing old together (if neither of us had another partner, of course) -- coming back together in years or decades from now. This has been our "back-up" plan, our Plan B, to the point that we now even own of a home that we can live in together, and are dreaming of ways to continue being together in community by adding an ADU to our property.
Two people rise in a hot air balloon, one of them watching the earth as it moves away and the other watching the stars as they get closer. For a long time both of us watched each other as we moved away, and now you're watching the stars while I'm still watching you. In your excitement for this new person, it's easy to forget that we have spent a lot of time and energy and love weaving a vision of us still potentially being together with or without a child. Now that you are disengaging energetically, I wonder if this idea of coming back together was realistic. This must be what it felt like for you when I imagined aloud one day what it would be like for us to have a child -- but this is so much stronger since we have been speeking this vision hundreds of times over the years, and so I am still caught in that beautiful spell we wove of being together, and now I fear it is annoying to you because you are discarding it and it is hard for me to adjust.
I still think it's a good plan. I support you in your happiness and am available if things don't work out or to help raise a child. I'm sorry I hurt you recently when I didn't just keep my mouth shut when you asked what I was thinking....I really was planning to not say anything unless it didn't work out with Sebastian. And I know I sounded tentative about a reversal, but offering you the money if I wavered was actually the best expression of my certainty, since you know how much I'd hate to lose thousands of dollars. What's the difference, considering I'd be delighted to live with you and help raise your child. Still, I haven't wanted to interfere with what you are developing with Sebastian, and I'm sorry I said anything. Please forgive me. Regardless of what happens, I too still love the idea of living together in community.
I love you always, wonderful woman,
jas
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