Notes To Catherine

​Hi Babe, ​I've ​included your questions from yesterday in my research and am setting up appointments ​with clinics (locally and across the country) to help determine the best doctor to go with. ​First, though, in response to something you ​said​, I know I'​ve ​seemed adamant about not ​wanting another child​, but ​​I hope you understand that what I have ​really been ​adamant about is not​​ changing my mind again unless I ​am absolutely certain... ​I've been adament about ​not hurting you again!​.​    ​ ​When I started ​thinking about having a baby ​at end of ​last year, and ​later admitt​ed​​ ​I was thinking about it, I ​wouldn't say I changed my mind until ​months later when ​I knew ​for sure. I've been so conscientious​ and​ remorseful ​​about hurting you that I swore I​'​d never do that again.​​. that I​'​d ​​never say I wanted a child with you ​​unless I was ​​absolutely ​certain. ​Even after I realized ​I​ would enjoy​ cre...

Hello Wonderful, I'm enclosing my letter in case you haven't had time to read it. I'm sorry I've put you in a hard place... and I'm also grateful I spoke my truth Friday night rather than remain silent any longer. Three weeks ago, I had thought to only share my realizations with you  (see letter) if things didn't work out in your dating. But what I really wanted to shout was more like: if you're unsure about making a life commitment to someone else, AND if you still feel secure in my love for you and trust me as a parent, then please accept me as your parenting partner! Life has shifted so much with my children being older and our finished home providing a perfect nest that I'm finally able to feel excitement at the idea of starting a family with you. I'm sorry it took so long to figure that out this past year, but I obviously kept contemplating having a child with you for a reason! And now I even have a sense of urgency about it! The earl...

Dearest Catherine, I just started this email to you, and noticed it is 11:11.  I've missed you dearly these past couple months. When I left your house this evening I felt like weeping for joy.  I know you are only thinking about my proposal. I know I should not be hopeful. But I cannot help but be hopeful. I have prayed so often to meet the woman that you are, and last night for the first time I prayed to be spared from my foolishness and granted another chance to fully accept unreservedly into my life the whole woman that you are with all your needs and desires and to help make those happen WITH you.   Until recently, I assumed that you being happy meant not being with me. And that has been so sad and hard for me, as I have tried to step back for you to find your happiness with someone else. Yet I have been thinking about the idea of having a child with you for many months now since we substantially finished the house, and even though I never wanted to hold...

Subject: Break in case of emergency (You don't have to go down roads that don’t go where you want to go.) If you were trying to communicate something to me that I wasn’t getting, I wouldn’t want you to give up on me.  I’d want you to keep at it until I got it.  I’d expect that from somebody who loves me deeply. And of course I love you deeply.  I don’t know how to convey that there is an inflatable raft available in case the ship goes down… without just saying there’s an inflatable raft available.  And if what you are hearing is that there is a life vest available, I’ll keep stressing that it’s actually a raft.  I really need you to hear what I’m saying so I can let it go.  I can appreciate why you aren’t hearing me fully, so I feel compelled to keep conveying what’s true until you can really hear it all.  But to fully hear me, you need to stop telling me what I really do and don't want.  Because I know what I really want, and that is to ex...

​Good morning sunshine! I was sorting pictures last night, and sorted a bunch into a folder of pics you might want... quite a few of Scar, some from our trips, and some good ones of you (including really good potential profile pics if you ever want them), etc. It's funny all the things we DIDN'T take pictures of. I think I've already shared other photo folders of different events and activities (like our hiking pics, christmas, parents visit, house building, etc.) I managed to get up to 2017 when I finally went to bed, so I'll likely add a few more when I finish going through the rest. I've realized why it's so hard to let go. Many, many times over the years, we've discussed scenarious where we stay together and you still have a child -- such as with an "auparent". We imagined it with a biodad (such as Talitha's gay friend) or with someone you hit it off with but the relationship doesn't last. We discussed taking a year to meet peopl...

4/26/18 Hi dearest friend, Thanks for letting me share this with you and helping me let it go.... let you go. :-( Thank you also for such a sweet friend day on Wednesday -- all things I really enjoy doing with you: running together, making breakfast together, working side by side, going to the farmers market. Sharing friend space helps me have a different relationship with you after being such a devoted partner for so long. Despite all my fond recollections of our life that we were building together, I know there were thing that were really hard for us for too long. I so wanted to have more time together too, particularly eating together in the evening, and it breaks my heart to reflect on how hard that was for you. I hated coming so close and falling short of that at the end. How I wish we'd finished the house by June and had the kids with us for the whole summer! But that house needed way too much, no matter how hard we worked. I'm very aware right now how I come ...

Hi wonderful, Whenever I've thought about this question of staying together or not this past week, I've gotten sad and confused. I don't like what I think or enjoy how I feel and I just want to run away from my sadness.  And more importantly and confusing is that I don't trust ​my reflections because my thoughts vary greatly when I'm with you verses when I am not.  And so I don't know what feels more true, and more importantly what feels actionable.  Sometimes I experience you as pushing me and not respecting my needs/boundaries/plees, and I feel relief in moving apart from you and a desire for greater space, but then the next interaction with you will be very understanding and even apologetic and seek to create the space for me that I'm asking for or express support for me right where I'm needing it.  And  when I'm with you, when I'm not agitated or struggling to express myself or hold a line in order to honor my own energetic needs, I'...